The free “Duke Nukem” application [iTunes link] for the iPhone is one of the greatest spectacles to ever emerge to trample eardrums! The “Duke Nukem” video game franchise is legend, and now with the Duke coming to download on X-Box and Playstation a new generation is becoming versed in the ultimate badass!

Sure the fabled “Duke Nukem Forever” game has been in limbo for eleven years (and counting). Sure the audience that remembers fondly the sneering hope for humanity as being a flattop wearing bulk of a man with a ridiculous arsenal and a loud voice are now in their mid-twenties and up. But this is the Duke.

No one has a more recognizable voice, except maybe Mario. But Mario does not threaten: “I’ll rip your head off and sh*t down your neck.” The Duke epitomized gameplay for achieving mindless on-screen violence to live out tag and have fun. The catchphrases and quips, threats and jokes were the best part of the Duke.

Welcome the “Duke Nukem” App. None other than Duke Nukem himself does this soundboard application! There are dozens of Duke’s favorite sayings, like “My gun’s bigger than yours,” from all of his video games and the App is conveniently organized into Taunt, Threat, Funny, Die/Kill, Idle, Rare, Curse and many others.

It just does not get any better than this “Duke Nukem” App. “Hail to the king, baby!”

IMPULSIVE Review Grade: A+

For fans of Attack of the Show, featuring the gorgeous Apple TV-licking bombshell from Iron Man 2, Olivia Munn, great high quality video of stories are presented in the “G4” App, as are videos for X-Play and the Feed. Just thumb through the choices and queue up Attack of the Show’s search for the ultimate G4 booth babe contest. The video focuses on the assets of the three finalists, three stunning girls who game prodigiously, one of which will be the G4 Booth Babe at the E3 mega event!

For many years now, the experts at G4 have given up to the minute news updates on everything that is popular culture. Coverage of the San Diego and New York Comic Cons, every E3 expo and every technology, Apple product and gaming event in between is found in stunning brilliance on G4 TV and, now, the “G4” App!

There is even a free gaming companion, complete with a Cheats Section, in the “G4” application, so that the X-Box Live sniping can continue with ease.

There is humor, as in “Olivia Bites Kevin’s Foil Wrapped Cucumber,” there is up to the minute news stories on everything dealing with popular culture, as in “Michael Emerson on LOST Finale & Hurley” and of course the computing and technology wisdom the serious geek would expect.

IMPULSIVE Review Grade: A+

“If a cow laughed, would milk come out of its nose?”

These are just two insights posted by the famous Philosoraptor. Take the infamous star of the “Jurassic Park” movie trilogy and provide her with the microphone as the “Philosoraptor” App for the iPhone does, and then let the knowledge bite your funny bone!

The “Philosoraptor” application is a freely downloadable valued soapbox for Philosoraptor as she solves the queries of the curious, the mysteries of life, the unknown secrets of the gargantuan universe, the food for the famished minds, the real to the real world and the satiric to the sober points of view.

“Someone who thinks logically, is a nice contrast to the real world,” says the brilliant Philosoraptor. Do not be surprised if her unbridled genius spawns a worldwide religion founded on her philosophical views akin to Buddhism following after the life and teachings of the Buddha.

In a recent interview with her Highness it was revealed that she is indeed American; here was the quote that gave it away: “Work fascinates me, I could sit and watch it for hours.”

Clearly this App, and its incredulous teachings, quips, poetry and arts, is a must have! The world would be a better place if everyone downloaded this and acquired the Philosoraptor’s words.

“If we discovered a civilization that did not know about war and hate, would we attack them because they were not expecting it?” Would we indeed, Philosoraptor?

IMPULSIVE Review Grade: A

Cracked has a soft spot in my heart. I used to pick up Mad Magazine as a kid, and occasionally, Cracked would find its way into my hands as well. Most people I knew considered it the red-headed stepchild of Mad, but I liked it. And now that it’s online, it’s even funnier, with new lists almost daily. One of their most recent ones touches on Apple fanboys with, 5 Reasons you should be scared of Apple. My favorite:

Apple Versus Absolutely Everyone: The Masterplan

Their words:

“Apple can further determine whether a user pays attention to the advertisement. The determination can include performing, while the advertisement is presented, an operation that urges the user to respond; and detecting whether the user responds to the performed operation. If the response is inappropriate or nonexistent, the system will go into lock down mode in some form or other until the user complies. In the case of an iPod, the sound could be disconnected rendering it useless until compliance is met. For the iPhone, no calls will be able to be made or received.”

Ho-lee shit.

The site is a bit NSFW, but it’s funny as hell, and worth a few time-wasting minutes online. But better yet, now they have an iPhone App [iTunes link]. For just .99 cents, you can visit cracked online whenever you want. Sure, maybe they’re a bit afraid of the big A, but not afraid enough to stay away from the App store.

Read the answer to many intriguing questions in the free “Riddles” application for the iPhone. Hours of intelligent and, at times hilarious, fun can be perused with swipes on the screen.

“A certain crime is punishable if attempted but not punishable if committed. What is it? –babblingbrooke

“Answer: suicide.”

This composition of millions of riddles is clever and diverse; there are short riddles, long riddles, funny ones, dramatic ones and, of course, awful ones. Riddles randomly appear on the iPhone upon opening, and the user can choose to see the answer to the provocative query, or push to go to the next one.

There is also a rating at the bottom of the screen that gives a number to those who voted for thumbs up or down for each particular riddle. If the user pushes either hand then the vote is recorded and informs them that they have successfully done so, and then the App instantly brings up the next bright quip.

The only detriment to the “Riddles” App is this: Upon opening, the application gives you a pop-up window asking if the user would like to: “Download Weird Laws For FREE!!!” Though harmless, this is annoying and an abnormal addition to an iPhone App, which could have been done without. “Riddles” is great, so for constant users I might just download the other damn App too, just to shut it up!

IMPULSIVE Review Grade: B+

Sweet 16 Macbook

What Twilight-loving, Robert Pattinson-obsessed sixteen year old wouldn’t love this one? The coolest laptop + Edward + Bella = winner.

iPhone Cupcakes

These you’ve probably already seen: a dozen fondant-topped cupcakes, they won a Cupcake Decorating Championship, and it’s obvious why.

Apple Nav & Function Cupcakes

Not as perfect as some of the other cakes here, but these definitely look the most delicious. Classic Apple icons for various navigation and function elements, in chocolate. Mmm.

iPhone Cake

Here’s another one that looks both pretty and delicious: an iPhone cake made by someone’s (very talented) wife for his birthday. I urge you to go see the entire gallery to see the amazing details.

iPod Touch Cake

For the iPod Touch users out there, a cake that’s gorgeously done. According to its maker, it’s a “vanilla Madeira cake filled with strawberry jam and chocolate ganache, crumb coated with vanilla mousseline and covered with marshmallow fondants”. Delish.

Mac Mini Cake

It might not be as popular as the other models, but it sure makes for a pretty cake.

Another Mac Mini Cake

Yes, another Mac Mini cake. But seriously, how can you not love the old school psychedelic Apple cake accompanying it? And the Superman gift bag in the background?

iPod Shuffle Cake

Miss the original Shuffle? Me too. Reminisce with this cake from Melissa (hint: her other cakes are a riot, too).

Mac Workstation Cake

Finally, this masterpiece of intricacy from Bcake NY features everything from a shiny Macbook to an iPhone to a Mighty Mouse, and a bunch of post-its!

The iPhone can become a stand up comedian with the “Sex Jokes Free” application…and you can even be sitting down when using it! This free App provides infinite laughs with just a shake of the iPhone.

Random jokes from every walk of life emerge with each shake, and they are nearly all very amusing and wisely selected.

“During a recent password audit at a company, it was found that a blonde receptionist was using the following password:
‘MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento’

“When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that
it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.”

Whether the App user wants to tell a long joke to help break up the stuffy atmosphere in the office meeting, or whether a short one-liner is needed to lighten up the day, “Sex Jokes Free” provides both; the first shake of the iPhone gives a long joke and the next shake gives a short one, and they continue to offset. It is brilliant!

At the bottom of the screen is easy access to FaceBook, Twitter and email so that the jokes can be passed on in just a couple of presses of the thumb! Prepare to laugh again and again, because this App is priceless (literally and figuratively).

IMPULSIVE Review Grade: A+

Though it may appear harmless, or possibly even potentially entertaining to fans of the rap star, 50 cent, there can be no doubt that this App is a waste of one megabyte on the precious iPhone’s memory; it is also a terrible expenditure of energy, in moving one’s thumb onto the surface to click and open this abomination.

In a purely profit seeking move, as a result of “vitaminwater” and 50, anyone, and not just all of the music engineers and producers out there, can remix 50’s new song “Baby By Me.” The song is sure to flop harder than my cousin Terry leaping in a fat-roll-gyrating cannonball that delves into the deep-end of the swimming pool. That said the free App is just a little self-promotional.

The graphics are subliminal as they say, “We mix the vitamins, you mix the beats.” Did I mention that “vitaminwater” is helping 50 cent with this one; the man’s ugly baldhead grimaces at you from this App, as though he were constipated. Sorry not the image I want to play anything by, and especially a terrible semblance of a game or App!

IMPULSIVE REVIEW Grade: F

50 cent's Terrible App

Soon to be a #1 seller in Apple’s App Store, “Boxed In 2” is an amazing array of everyone’s favorite box-moving robot at work again with improved graphics combined with some incredibly catchy background music. There are now sound effects, epic tunes and more mystical mazes than ever.

Get the robot through the red portal to enter the next diabolical maze full of impeding crates. The little robot player now raises arms, as one hears gears cranking; the sound effects add a surrealistic element to a game that was already addictive.

This game was designed specifically with iPod and iPhone users in mind, and with a swipe of a thumb numerous hours of gameplay greet the robot/box lovers. The added 50 levels of this version of the game are all more difficult than the previous game’s 50 levels meaning that the goodness is near impossible to beat, and therefore the fun does not end.

If you like easy to play, yet challenging puzzle games “Boxed In 2” is the best of the best. Simply move boxes to get the robot out of the maze; such simplicity is so very awesome!

Grade: A

Boxed In 2

The “Toasty!” App for the iPhone is a free program that could not better simplify the spur of the moment toast. Turn on the application and a picture of a glass emerges. Shake the iPhone and two glasses meet with a clink magically giving the owner information pertaining to the current day in history.

As the vintage wine casks are unearthed, the malt whiskey poured on rocks of ice and the foaming nectar of beer flows, someone must rise and give the infamous toast. For this monumental task, that is commonplace and tradition at many weddings or bars across the world, the speaker, man or woman, must have ingested some alcohol to enable the courage to speak to one’s loved ones on the biggest of stages.

As the blood becomes intertwined with the drinks, the memory of a public sentiment can quickly flee one’s train of thought. What does one say then? Well use “Toasty!” to get an instantaneous to “Toast because… On this day in 1707, the first meeting of the Parliament of Great Britain took place.” Wow! Continue to ramble on in intelligible mumbled bursts from that point on, but after giving a candid reason to start, one cannot help but look ingenious.

Grade: A+

A Toast! App

This is the rendered effect of using the free “AtomicFart” application. This custom farting program allows the user to access a large assortment of real noises of breaking wind. Pick the “Duck Stepper” to hear a duck-like spurt, or thumb onto the “Pants Stainer” to lend moisture to the atmosphere.

The “AtomicFart” App even has a timer to dispel gaseous sounds, and one can choose to set the timer, on the iPhone App, so that a motion sensor is invoked; walk away from the mobile “f bomb” and let it blow up an unsuspecting person that happens upon the device at the wrong time.

What could be more fun than picking the “Princess” fart, or the “Polite and Respectful” gust to frame a nearby female, so that everyone thinks she has done the shameless deed aloud. Laughs follow the “Atomic Fart” application wherever it is played with, and kids, young and old, love this uniquely portable gas program.

Grade: A

AtomicFart

The “FML” application is free for the iPhone, and truly one of the funniest ways to spend one’s time on the go. This App is a portable version of the http://www.fmylife.com/ web site that is famous for postings from embarrassed people all over the world, who have a story to tell that ends badly. To be more specific, all of the “FML” stories end with the letters FML, representing the words: F*%k My Life.

The “FML” App is pure genius. Thumb it, and see a concise and funny tale. The App prompts the user for his or her location, and then automatically compiles FML prose based on people that are close to where the reader is standing at the moment.

It is not impossible to see a friend’s story on “FML,” nor is it too far fetched to actually be one of the characters in the non-fiction narrative that comes on the iPhone screen! Most of these stories have a brutal twist at the end, followed by FML, of course. Careful with “FML” as the laughter might even apply to one’s self.

Grade: A

Kevin Whipps

Howdy. My name is Kevin Whipps, and I’m the new guy here at Apple Gazette. For the past 10 years, I’ve been working as a freelance writer and photographer in the Phoenix, Ariz. area, mostly in the automotive field. Most recently, I’ve spent my time as a copy editor for a regional publication, as well as being the executive editor for the now-defunct Six Degrees magazine. I’m married, and I have a baby boy on the way come February 7th.

But that’s not why I’m here. I came to Apple Gazette because a few years back, I became a Mac guy.

It started with a white MacBook, right when the Intel Core 2 Duos came out. The Intel technology intrigued me, and I figured that it was a cheap enough way to get into the Mac system without outlaying too much cash. Its main purpose was to replace my ailing HP, but also to run my photography programs and use on the road for documents and photo shoots. I was hooked almost instantly.

That led to a 20-inch iMac, an AppleTV, several iPods including shuffles, 500 gb Time Capsule, an iPhone, iPhone3GS, MobileMe subscription and most recently, the 15-inch, 2.4 ghz MacBook Pro that I bought in August on closeout. I’ve since sold the old reliable white MacBook (although I’m regretting that decision), and now I use the MBP for all of my photography and writing work.

So what do I bring to the team? First and foremost, a genuine love for all things Apple. I’m not stopping with the MBP; I’m going to buy a Mini at some point to turn into a media system, and I’m sure a new iPhone is in my future come next year. I’m also working on reorganizing my workspace, a topic which seems to be pretty popular on the interwebs, so I’ll showcase that here as well. Plus, I’ll be putting out posts about getting organized in the Mac world, and using my setup totally PC-free.

Hope you enjoy my stuff. Here’s to the future of Apple Gazette.

This parody video from Landline.tv is slightly NSFW, so keep that in mind before you do (there is a bull crap, and a few slight swears in it…so don’t get yourself in trouble on my account), but is BY FAR, the best and most accurate “Laptop Hunters” video yet.

Enjoy.

Imagine what “Mac vs. PC” would be like if the machines were Transformers. That’s the idea behind this extremely well produced video. Sure the acting at the beginning isn’t great – but get through that, and you’re in for a treat.

The 5 minute video was created by Dan Chianelli and Nick Greenlee. Something tells me that it was a school project of some kind (and I could be wrong about that…total speculation on my part). If it was, I hope they got an A, because this is well done.

Enjoy.

In an effort to knock Kanye West off his perch as the top selling iTunes album, Stephen Colbert implored his “Colbert Nation” to all purchase his album, “A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All” today at 5:00 pm EST.

Currently his album is sitting at #15 on the sales charts, but if thousands of faithful members of said “nation” hit iTunes at the same time and purchase the album, it should propel it in the charts.

I’ve listen to the samples of the album, and most of them sound pretty damn funny, so I’m planning on purchasing it – but, at Mr. Colbert’s request – I’ll be waiting until today tomorrow at 5:00 pm EST.

Will you?

UPDATE – WOW – I have got to start sleeping like a regular person. My days are completely mixed up.

Last night “The Simpsons” paid a visit to the “Mapple” store, with a pretty darn funny send up of die hard Apple fanboys.

I’m sure that the hardest of the hardcore will be upset by the outdated numbering of the operating system that Comic Book Guy mentions, or with the reference that Steve Jobs was fired and then rehired (like that’s a BAD thing) and all of that…but I was amused. What’s even funnier is that Apple advertised the new “green” Macbooks during the second commercial break.

The parody starts off with Lisa entering a “Mapple” store and looking at all their amazing devices. All the standard mockeries of Apple are there, including the product that no one knows what does, and the obligatory 1984 ad parody (with Comic Book Guy throwing the hammer).

The parody continues throughout the episode with Lisa getting a “MyPod” from Krusty, and eventually getting a “MyBill” for $1,200 because of all the stuff she downloaded from, I assume, “MyTunes”.

Ultimately Lisa visits Steve “Mobbs” at Mapple headquarters (at the bottom of the sea), and ends up working for the company by handing out pamphlets telling people to “Think Differently” to pay off her bill.

UPDATE: with video.

The jackass who has developed an app called “Crackulous” – which is designed to crack and distribute iPhone applications without paying any money to their developers – has had his own application pirated, and released publicly before he wanted it to.

His response? You’ll love this…

He claims the leaks is “absolutely disgusting, and downright insulting.” He continues, “[I] have released a new version of Crackulous almost every day or two, fixing all the bugs that had been reported up until that day. I was proud of Crackulous, and put a large majority of my free time into ensuring it will be the best application it possibly could be. I responded to beta tester feedback, and each version of Crackulous was better than the last.”

After being called out in a number of places for the absurdity of complaining that his App stealing application was stolen, he continued to defend himself. “Several of you had noticed the irony in me complaining that a tool used to steal from other developers was stolen, but I hope you realize the difference in situation. iPhone developers almost always (99% of the time) develop applications for the App Store in hopes of getting money.”

It’s hard for me to imagine how this guy’s mind works. He’s smart enough to be able to understand code, and to develop and application (which is no easy feat), yet dumb enough to not have learned a thing from this experience.

The Austin Maker Faire here in Texas has a lot of really cool stuff to look at. So much so that you can miss the small stuff sometimes. Luckily, an eagle-eyed photographer caught this little gem – an Apple Store has apparently opened up at the miniature main street created by the Texas LEGO User Group.

The group managed to put together a town with a layout that included working trains and motors. You can find more of their stuff here.

via tuaw

This…THING…in the video below, though, is…just beyond words. I understand what they’re trying to do…but it just isn’t working…and they seriously need to fire this Ad team and go another direction.

What did you think? Could you make it all the way through?

The “October Surprise” device will be an 8.5 x 11 unit with an HD display and multi-touch technology built right into the glass surface. It will be as thin as a piece of paper and feature remote wireless charging (which can be activated through mere thought alone with the purchase of the “iThink” accessory headband), a full qwerty on screen keyboard, iSmell sniffing technology, and the ability to make sandwiches customized to your liking through the brand new “iSandwich” application which will be a part of “iLife ’09″.

“Sandwich making has never seemed so possible.” Our source reports. “All you have to do is select your bread, choice of meats and cheese, and condiments and accessories. You click order, and Apple ships it to you in the mail like a photo book in 3 to 6 weeks. Awesome”

Our lonely and depressed informant even managed to snap a picture of the amazing new device (although, admittedly it is a bit far a way, and slightly blurry – still, if you have eyes in your head you can CLEARLY make it out in the image below).

Our source further indicates that the name of the device is the “iTablitron 2000″, and it will come in two models – the 32 GB model will run a shockingly cheap $29.37, while the heftier 64 GB version will cost you $43 and a hay penny.

Sure the sources are unconfirmed – sure they have no credibility – but this is just a blog right? Who needs to confirm sources and verify facts. That is SOOO “old media”.

Another guy (pictured below) has also made an iPhone out of balloons. It’s kind of interesting to see people making iPhones out of cakes and balloons. Is it news? Not at all. Is it fun? Kind of. Did anything Apple related and newsworthy happen over the weekend?

Not really, no.

The iCar. Sitting with a “For Sale” sign on it right in front of my favorite comics book store. I whipped out my iPhone and grabbed a couple shots…

And here’s a shot from the front…

Now, granted, it looks like its a Ford Escort covered in spray paint…BUT…it clearly says “iCar” on the side. I’m not sure if this is an Apple prototype, or just a work in progress, BUT…it is for sale.

You can find two more pics of it over at MacTips.

Ok, I know you’re probably sick of the whole “I Am Rich” situation. I’ve had about enough of it myself – but it seems incomplete somehow to not post this video. One of the 8 people who purchased the $999.99 application has posted a video “walk through” online.

You can see the “secret mantra” that others have paid almost a grand to witness. It is truly stunning.

It’s been a while since I’ve watched Mystery Science Theatre 3000, and I had forgotten how much I loved that show. That is, until I got an email about a TUAW post with this great YouTube find in it.

Man – I miss this show…